lax_girly

12:57 am: ...
Now I don't like or love either of them.

Erik has been gone for about a week and a half, and a lot of crap has gone down in my life since then. I guess I'm not ready to settle like I thought I was. Will I ever be ready? I want that, but I can't stick to it. How stupid.

Well as for my worries I guess they are all gone.

I don't want to live in the past anymore, and I sorta feel like that's what I'm doing trying to be with Erik. It's hard to let someone like that go, and maybe this entire time I've just been being selfish. I really don't feel too emotional about it right now though. I don't want him to be right about me only coming around when I don't have a man.

03:43 am: Gosh
Reading some of my past entries, I wish I could go back. Life used to be so simple. What problems could I have had? I spend my time filling out stupid surveys that were really annoying to delete and input 'x''s into, but I did it anyways.

Since I last wrote:
Erik and I dated, and broke up not too long after. The distance is still effective. Ugh.
Then I met a guy named Aaron and we hit it off amazingly. We moved pretty quickly, and 3 months after dating we moved in together with his brother. Everything went really good until we started nit picking each other. We broke up after being together a little over a year, and it's still killing us both.

I shouldn't be writing any of this, but I have too much on my mind.
I love Aaron, and I want to love Erik.
Erik and I have been trying to work things out, but just today he told me he didn't want to talk again for a while.
Aaron and I didn't speak for 2 months until just the other day; the third. Now everything between us is just confusing. We agreed to be 'friends' and I'm not sure if it's a good decision. I want him to be in my life, and I would love to be with him forever, but we broke up because he says relationships just aren't for him. This sort of makes me feel like if I'm in his life he wont let go as long as I deal with him and not dating him at the same time. How can I move on, and what will happen to him if I do? I don't want any of that.
Our entire relationship I asked my self daily if I made the wrong decision by dating Aaron and breaking up with Erik, and for the longest time I was sure I did. I always ponder, and change my mind about it. Today, I want to be with Aaron. It wont ever happen though.

I've been thinking a lot about my life while I've been out here in California. Every day its all that comes to mind. I know Aaron's a good guy, but what he has to offer, and is willing to give, along with where he's at in life, just isn't what I want. It's so difficult to break up for reasons like this. He still tells me he loves me, even though we aren't together...you can't change your feelings right?

The more I think about it, the more I think that maybe Erik is a memory that just hasn't had a chance to fade. Maybe I'm holding on to something I wish it to be. I'll never know, because since the first time, neither one of us has given it enough time to be what it truly is.

So not that my life is really too complicated, but I know that if I stick around to be there for Aaron, I'll just end up hurt. I know this, yet I want to stick around. He means so much to me, and the fact that the feeling is mutual keeps me glued there. Although, we both know he doesn't have anything to offer to a relationship, and doesn't want one for that matter. Aaron and I would make amazing friends, but we have so many emotional attachments, it will always be something special between us.

I want to move on, but I can't tear my self away from him. I know he wont be there for life, and even if he is, I want to be married and have a family. He doesn't want that. How can I find happiness with someone else, when my heart tells me everything is in front of me, and my mind tells me all he can offer is a good time.

Well it seems Erik isn't even an option anymore. All I have for now is Aaron, so at this point it isn't too much of an issue, but what will happen to me?

I guess next time I decide life is too much to handle, and I need to write, I'll be able to answer all my questions.

I'll always love him, and he'll always love me. If he ever becomes ready and willing, and the type of guy to settle down, I'll be there.

04:00 pm: .
:)

12:56 am: ...
My phone is a douche bag, fuck T-mobile

10:47 pm: ...
</3

04:20 am: Bored can't sleep, stole it from Brandy
YOUR BOY SIDE
[x] You love hoodies.
[x] You love jeans.
[] Dogs are better than cats.
[] It’s hilarious when people get hurt.
[] Shopping is torture
[] Sad movies suck.
[x] You own a car racing game.
[] You played with Hot Wheels cars as a kid.
[] At some point in time you wanted to be a firefighter.
[x] You owned a DS, PS2, N64,or Sega.
[x] You used to be obsessed with Power Rangers.
[x] You have watched sports on TV
[x] Gory movies are cool.
[] You go to your dad for advice.
[] You own like a trillion baseball caps.
[] You used to collect hockey cards.
[x] Baggy sweats are cool to wear.
[x] It’s kinda weird to have sleepovers with a bunch of people.
[x] Green, black, red, blue, or silver are one of your favorite colors.
[x] You love to go crazy and not care what people think.
[x] Sports are fun
[x] You talk with food in your mouth.
[] You sleep with your socks on at night.
[x] You have fished at least once

YOUR GIRL SIDE
[x] You love to shop.
[] You wear eyeliner
[x] You wear the color pink.
[] You go to your mom to talk.
[x] You consider cheerleading a sport.
[x] You hate wearing the color black.
[x] You like going to the mall.
[] You like getting manicures and/or pedicures
[x] You like wearing jewelry.
[] You cried watching The Notebook.
[] Skirts are a big part of your wardrobe.
[x] Shopping is one of your favorite hobbies.
[x] You don’t like the movie Star Wars
[] You are/were in gymnastics
[x] It takes you around one hour to shower, get dressed, and make-up
[x] You smile a lot more than you should.
[WAAAY MORE] You have more than 10 pairs of shoes.
[x] You care about what you look like.
[x] You like wearing dresses when you can.
[x] You like wearing high heel shoes.
[x] You used to play with dolls as little kid.
[x] You like putting make-up on others.
[x] You like being the star of everything.
[x] Pink is one of your favorite colors.

• Appearance •
[x] I am shorter than 5′5″.
[x] I have many scars.
[x] I tan/ burn easily.
[x] I wish my hair was a different colour.
[] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair colour.
[] I have a tattoo.
[x] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[] I’ve had braces.
[x] I’ve been told I’m attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than two piercings.
[] I have / had piercings in places besides my ears.

• Embarrassment •
[] I’ve slipped out a “lol” in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I’ve snorted while laughing.
[x] I’ve laughed so hard I’ve cried.
[x] I’ve glued my hand to something.
[] I’ve laughed ’til some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[XX] I’ve had my pants rip in public.

• Health •
[x] I’ve gotten stitches.
[x] Broken a bone.
[] I’ve had my tonsils removed.
[x] I’ve sat in a doctor’s office with a friend.
[] I’ve had my wisdom teeth removed.
[] I’ve had serious surgery.
[x] I’ve had chicken pox.

• Traveling •
[x] I’ve traveled over 200 miles in one day.
[x] I’ve been on a plane.
[x] I’ve been to Canada.
[] I’ve been to Cuba.
[x] I’ve been to Niagara Falls.
[] I’ve been to Ottawa.
[] I’ve gone to Sudbury.
[] I’ve been to the Caribbean.
[x] I’ve been to Europe.
[x] I’ve been to Florida.

• Experiences •
[x] I’ve gotten lost in my city.
[x] I’ve seen a shooting star.
[x] I’ve wished on a shooting star.
[] I’ve seen a meteor shower.
[x] I’ve gone out in public in my pajamas.
[x] I’ve pushed all the buttons on an elevator.
[x]I’ve kicked a guy where it hurts.
[] I’ve been to a casino.
[] I’ve been skydiving.
[] I’ve gone skinny-dipping.
[] I’ve drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.
[] I’ve crashed a car.
[x] I’ve been skiing.
[x] I’ve been in a musical.
[x] I’ve caught a snowflake or snow on my tongue.
[] I’ve seen the Northern Lights.
[x] I’ve sat on a rooftop at night.
[x] I’ve played a prank on someone.
[x] I’ve ridden in a taxi.
[] I’ve seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
[x] I’ve eaten Sushi.
[x] I’ve been snowboarding.

• Relationships •
[] I’m single.
[x] I’m in a relationship
[] I’m engaged.
[] I’m married.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[] I’ve gotten divorced.
[x] I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
[x] I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.

• Honesty / Crime •
[x] I’ve done something I promised someone else I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve done something I promised myself I wouldn’t.
[x] I’ve snuck out.
[x] I’ve lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I’ve cheated while playing a game.
[x] I’ve ran a red light.
[x] I’ve witnessed a crime.
[x] I’ve been in a fist fight.
[] I’ve been arrested.

• Death and Suicide •
[x] I’m afraid of dying.
[x] I hate funerals.
[x] I’ve seen someone / something dying.
[] Someone close to me has attempted / committed suicide.
[] I’ve planned my own suicide before.
[] I’ve written a eulogy for myself.

• Materialism •
[x] I own over 5 rap CD’s.
[] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime / manga.
[] I own designer purses, costing over $100 a piece.
[x] I own something from Pac Sun.
[] I collected comic books.
[x] I own something from The Gap.
[] I own something I got on E-Bay.
[x] I own something from Abercrombie

• Random •
[?] I can sing well .
[] Stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[?] I open up to others easily
[] I watch the news.
[x] I don’t kill bugs
[x] I sing in the shower.
[] I am a morning person
[] I paid for my cell phone ring tone.
[] I am a sports fanatic.
[x] I twirl my hair.
[x] I care about grammar.
[] I have “?”’s in my screen name.
[] I love spam.
[] I’ve copied more than 30 CD’s in a day.
[x] I bake well.
[] My favourite colour is either white, yellow, pink, red, blue, black, purple, or orange.
[x] I would wear pajamas to school.
[] I like Martha Stewart.
[] I know how to shoot a gun.
[] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.
[x] I laugh at my own jokes
[] I eat fast food weekly.
[] I’ve not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
[x] I can’t sleep if there is a spider in the room.
[x] I am really ticklish.
[x] I like white chocolate.
[x] I bite my nails.
[x] I’m good at remembering faces.
[x] I’m good at remembering names.
[x] I’m good at remembering dates.
[x] I honestly have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.

FACT: About the first person you fell hard for?
He's tall

WHAT: Happened at 9:00 am today?
I woke up for a short aproximately 5 min.

ARE YOU: Wearing something you borrowed from someone?
No

WHAT: Is the last thing someone bought you?
Nail polish. haha. $1.00

WHEN: Was the last time you saw number 2 on your top friends?
this is LJ but, Tues., she was in the hospitol.

WHAT'S: Your current problem?
School, friends.

LAST: Person to lay in your bed?
uh me.

THE LAST: Food you ate?
1/4 of a tornodo from speedway pepperjack

SOMETHING: You say when you are mad?
WHATEVER!

DO YOU: Delete people off of myspace?
Only one!

FAVE: Drink?
Uh. Hot cider...

DO YOU: Crack your knuckles?
yes. ew.

DID YOU: Cry at all today?
almost.

ARE YOU: Ticklish?
extremely...

WHO WAS: The last person you talked to last night before bed?
Erik.

HAVE YOU MADE: A mistake this past week?
probably

DO YOU: Miss someone?
Yeah.

DO YOU KNOW: Anyone with the same name as you?
I never met her but she lived in the same dorm as me at EMU

WHEN WAS: The last time you really laughed?
Today.

HAVE ANY: Regrets?
No, just stupid decisions.

DO YOU USE: An alarm clock?
yeah my phone's a douche.

ARE YOU: Social or antisocial person?
social i guess.

DO YOU: Have a tan?
for me yeah. for a normal person, no.

WHO WAS THE LAST: Person to disappoint you?
Oh, geez I dno.

DO YOU TRUST: People?
Noooot really.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING: Tomorrow?
Uh. I dno.

WHAT WERE YOU DOING: At 5 in the morning?
Haha.

HAD A: loss recently?
It feels like yesterday.

LAST: movie you saw?
Uh...batman?

SOMETHING YOU: want to accomplish in the next 5 years?
Graduate college...settle.

WHAT WAS THE LAST: thing you said out loud?
your phone's vibrating.

LAST PERSON: you hugged?
Ricky.

HOW IS THE: weather right now?
cold nights scortching days

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON: to send you a text?
TXT: Ricky

WHAT DO YOU: have handy next to your bed?
Phone, table, pictures...?

ARE YOU: afraid of the dark?
I'm afraid of my paranoia

FIRST THING: you'll save in a fire?
A certain picture.

WHAT DO YOU: always take with you?
phone, duh.

HAS ANYONE: put their arm around you in the past 5 days?
Probably

HOW ABOUT: called you beautiful?
yes.

EVER TURNED: anyone down you shouldn't have?
Nah.

WHAT ARE YOU: stressing about right now?
LIFE

DO YOU: swallow gum when your done with it?
Um no. I'd put it in someone elses hair first.

DO YOU LIKE: messages or comments better?
who cares.

ARE YOU: someone's best friend?
fo sho

IN THE PAST WEEK: have you felt sad?
I'm sure I have.

09:29 pm: ugh.

So.
Ricky lives at his grandma's and I used to hate it here but now I like it much more than my own. A tree fell on his house so they are all stay there. His cousin is also up here and his sister lives here too. His aunt and uncle and different cousin are all comming up like this next week, it's gunna be crouded. His parents are supposed to be leaving soon though because the house is supposed to be done. The shitty part is his parents practically kicked him out, so now he's stuck at his gma's until he can get on his feet and move out. So now I'm over there a lot, it's amusing.
I'm bored.
He's getting me subway! :D
<333

11:10 am: weeeeekend
So I think Ricky and I are moving into Dover's Crossing with our friend Scott. This shall be fun.

Right now he is at boyscout camp to get his vigil. He was up all night keeping a fire going and texting me sooo much.

Scott recently was dumped so his girlfriend wont be moving with us, and he is always so sad.

We need something to do! Hmm...

11:46 pm: MSU
So I started class at MSU today and it was sweet. I also have an online class. Today I also signed up for fall and spring classes. Wow! I know. Friday I had orientation and it was way better than the other orientations I've been to. I think this will be good for me.
I quit my job becuase they were rediculous about scheduling around classes so I just said screw it. I'm working with my mom part time now, that should be a blast...Ya so my moving out plan didn't work out so good. Is anyone looking for a roomate? Ugh. I'll be okay. Hopefully. I never really hang out with peeps any more, I feel like everyone is doing their own thing or too busy. We used to hang out...what happend?
Thats all for now. peace peace.

12:27 pm: ugh.
Nothing new has happend but my life sucks.